“The Perfect, Ideal Relationship Doesn’t Exist” – Wow, McKay, et al. must have been real rocket scientists to come up with that one! (Hahaha, just kidding.) But if you’ve ever had a relationship of any kind—friendship or romantic relationship, you have discovered that this statement is very true. There’s no such thing as perfection—with regards to relationships or life in general! Relationships can be great things, and we wouldn’t be able to survive if they didn’t exist. But some relationships can cause us harm or pain; physically, mentally and socially. Therefore, we sometimes need to cut off ties with a person, place, or thing for the betterment of ourselves. “Cleaning house”, in my experience, is the analogy that refers to the act of being overloaded with “clutter”—things on my mind or in my life—that accumulate to the point where something has got to go!
This is the perfect day for me to write this blog, because at this very moment I am going through some literal and figurative “house cleaning.” Recently I have had to do some house-cleaning of my own! The three situations that follow are real problems I am dealing with right now that require or have recently required a bit of house-cleaning. This concept is helping me to more effectively live my life and react to and deal with certain people, and situations. Things in my life that often ‘pile up’ as a result of not dealing with certain issues are: finances, issues with my [romantic] relationships, and school work. I procrastinate sometimes because it is easier to not deal with things than to deal with them.
Senioritis?...
School work is something that has become a burden for me suddenly just this year. Up to this point at Rider I have a great GPA and have had great relationships with all my teachers. I work hard and do well academically, and I participate in on-campus clubs and off-campus organizations. This year, however, I have had so many other things occurring in my life and changes that have taken place (which I will explain later) that it has been hard to take the time to concentrate on my school work and other things that I previously made more time for. I still get things done on time for the most part in all my classes, but I have been waiting until the night before something is due to tackle it instead of planning it out responsibly and taking action sooner and more effectively.
Today I cleared and organized my calendar and made room for all the things I need to do between now and the end of the semester in order to get the grades I know I am capable of. There are only 6 weeks left! ‘Cleaning house’ in this regard will involve telling my friends that I need at least a week to get myself organized both physically (I am looking around my room right now—yikes, I’ve never seen so much crap) and emotionally (the clutter would look remarkably similar in my head).
Those Damn Relationships…
My boyfriend and I had been together since August 2003. Our relationship ended rather abruptly in July of this year. We were only a few weeks away from our 4-year anniversary when we broke up, and every day since then has been a new adventure for me. The reasons for our break up are especially pertinent to this blog post, and since I feel more and more comfortable with our decision to breakup each time I talk about it, I don’t mind sharing what happened. Both Bobby and I needed to do some “house cleaning” for ourselves, and even though I haven’t talked to him in nearly 3 months, I can say with confidence that we both agree it was the right thing to do.
In hindsight, I can say that the house-cleaning came at a most opportune time. The last year of college is a stressful time: a time of change and decision-making. Bobby was struggling in school and at work because we were spending our weekends to go see each other (he’s in Maryland and I’m up here at Rider). Neither of us ever had a break. For the past few years this has been an on-and-off struggle: sometimes it didn’t bother us, and sometimes it got close to ending our relationship. Finally, we broke up this summer. He said he needed to really focus on school and finding a new job (which he had a difficult time doing since he saw me every weekend), and crack down on stuff he needed to do, and I couldn’t agree more with his decision because I needed to do the same. I miss him and I’m sure he misses me but we are at a turning-point in our lives and we have to go our separate ways for now. I told him when he wanted to get back together a few weeks later that this is for the best, and if we want to give it a try sometime down the road when we’re both somewhat settled in our careers, I’d love to give it another try. But both our lives were cluttered with things that had a lot to do with our relationship with each other, and so we had to clean house! We had to get rid of the thing in our lives that was holding us down, and unfortunately, being in a long-distance relationship, that thing was each other.
Finances—Ugh!
I come from a divorced family where money wasn’t always plentiful growing up—my mother, sister and I lived in a safe home in a good school district, but we didn’t have money to throw away. We learned to make things work, and I owe it to those early experiences for why I am a responsible shopper and spender! However, being a full-time student in college makes it difficult to work and save. Sometimes I live paycheck-to-paycheck, and sometimes I can afford to save and/or spend a little extra. I am responsible for spending what I have and saving what I can when I can. This adds a significant amount of stress to my life. If I can’t have something that I want, I get upset inside. Why can’t I have that but other people can? …I hate that question. Why do I have to save my own money but other people can just take, take, take from their parents? …I hate that question, too. I want a new pair of boots even though my boots from last season are in good condition; I want a new coat, even though I have plenty of those. I want things that I can’t have because I have to be responsible, because: What if something happened and I needed cash? …Another question I hate, but it’s one that I have to keep in the back of my mind.
Just yesterday I checked my account balance and my bank at home, and the number staring back at me was significantly different—lower!—than what I thought it would be. Shit, I thought. I casually slipped it into a conversation I was having later in with my mom about how money was low and I needed some extra cash. I offered to do some work around the house, such as painting the room she is re-doing and raking leaves, in exchange for a little bit of cash. Her response was that she would let me know if she could afford it, but “speaking of finances, in the meantime, look in the mail—you have something from ____________________” (a previous employer). I knew it wasn’t a paycheck because it’s been a while since I worked there, but my name and address were hand-written on the envelope and I thought maybe my boss had sent me a personal letter. It made me excited to open it up, because I might be looking there for a job after graduation! To my surprise, the letter was from the HR/Payroll department. It was a Notice of Overpayment! And they WANT THE MONEY BACK!
The tears came. The chunks rose in my throat. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Not only do I believe I fairly earned that money, but I almost certainly have spent all of it! I’d just checked my account at the bank and knew not how to handle this situation. My heart was racing. I was so furious that I did not know how to react or what next step to take. I told my mom what the letter said, and I told my dad after I got back to Princeton later that evening. Both of them offered their help and guidance, but I know this is an issue that I have to take responsibility for. I have to gather my bank statements and pay stubs and calendar from the time period when I worked there—this falls mostly on my shoulders, not my parents’.
I called the Human Resources/Payroll department and I am in the process of working this thing out. When I called, I prepared with everything I was going to say. I had cried and was going to shed no more tears. I was not going to show my vulnerability or fear in the voicemail I left. I channeled my energy into effective communication by using a kind strength in my voice. “I would like to talk to someone in your department regarding Case #XXXXXXX. I believe this was a mistake, but I am going to need the paperwork, copies of all paychecks I received, and my start- and finish- dates from your records. I will compare those records with my records and then we can work to resolve this matter. Thank you very much.” I was able to control my anger and was genuinely open to the idea that maybe they are correct and that they did, in fact, pay me more, although I think they have made a mistake. Regardless of the outcome of this case, I dealt with my emotions without being overcome by them in a way that I can hopefully continue when we pursue this matter over the next few weeks. The most difficult part about this scenario is that I may want a job at this company again in the future. So, I had to communicate in a way that was counter to how I felt. I had to behave myself!
Lessons learned: the stress just never ends with finances. Maybe it never will! My previous employer is going to have to give me some time to pay it back gradually, especially because the fault lies with them. “Cleaning house” in this situation is going to be a literal gathering of paperwork and bringing them to the previous employer and/or to my lawyer’s office. But this also requires some mental house-cleaning: I can not have all this clutter in my head about finances. I have been learning to keep my records straight with paychecks, bank statements and receipts, and this situation reinforces that I’ve been doing the right thing by keeping those records! It also teaches me that I need to keep my emotional clutter limited. Soon after this letter came, I sat down and started making a list of all the things I had to do: school work, get my finances straightened out, and crack down on a few other things that are “cluttering” my life at this point. I have to make some calls but keep my cool when I talk to the people about this situation, even though I really want to kick and scream and yell. Keeping track of money and dealing with the situations in a mature, effective way are things I’ll have to deal with, probably for the rest of my life. Finances may not always be a problem, but it may never be fun or easy to deal with.
● Possible final overpayment charge to previous employer: $683.00
● Potential lawyer’s fee: $200
● Knowing that I communicated with HR/Payroll effectively and didn’t emotionally fly off the handle: Priceless
This is the perfect day for me to write this blog, because at this very moment I am going through some literal and figurative “house cleaning.” Recently I have had to do some house-cleaning of my own! The three situations that follow are real problems I am dealing with right now that require or have recently required a bit of house-cleaning. This concept is helping me to more effectively live my life and react to and deal with certain people, and situations. Things in my life that often ‘pile up’ as a result of not dealing with certain issues are: finances, issues with my [romantic] relationships, and school work. I procrastinate sometimes because it is easier to not deal with things than to deal with them.
Senioritis?...
School work is something that has become a burden for me suddenly just this year. Up to this point at Rider I have a great GPA and have had great relationships with all my teachers. I work hard and do well academically, and I participate in on-campus clubs and off-campus organizations. This year, however, I have had so many other things occurring in my life and changes that have taken place (which I will explain later) that it has been hard to take the time to concentrate on my school work and other things that I previously made more time for. I still get things done on time for the most part in all my classes, but I have been waiting until the night before something is due to tackle it instead of planning it out responsibly and taking action sooner and more effectively.
Today I cleared and organized my calendar and made room for all the things I need to do between now and the end of the semester in order to get the grades I know I am capable of. There are only 6 weeks left! ‘Cleaning house’ in this regard will involve telling my friends that I need at least a week to get myself organized both physically (I am looking around my room right now—yikes, I’ve never seen so much crap) and emotionally (the clutter would look remarkably similar in my head).
Those Damn Relationships…
My boyfriend and I had been together since August 2003. Our relationship ended rather abruptly in July of this year. We were only a few weeks away from our 4-year anniversary when we broke up, and every day since then has been a new adventure for me. The reasons for our break up are especially pertinent to this blog post, and since I feel more and more comfortable with our decision to breakup each time I talk about it, I don’t mind sharing what happened. Both Bobby and I needed to do some “house cleaning” for ourselves, and even though I haven’t talked to him in nearly 3 months, I can say with confidence that we both agree it was the right thing to do.
In hindsight, I can say that the house-cleaning came at a most opportune time. The last year of college is a stressful time: a time of change and decision-making. Bobby was struggling in school and at work because we were spending our weekends to go see each other (he’s in Maryland and I’m up here at Rider). Neither of us ever had a break. For the past few years this has been an on-and-off struggle: sometimes it didn’t bother us, and sometimes it got close to ending our relationship. Finally, we broke up this summer. He said he needed to really focus on school and finding a new job (which he had a difficult time doing since he saw me every weekend), and crack down on stuff he needed to do, and I couldn’t agree more with his decision because I needed to do the same. I miss him and I’m sure he misses me but we are at a turning-point in our lives and we have to go our separate ways for now. I told him when he wanted to get back together a few weeks later that this is for the best, and if we want to give it a try sometime down the road when we’re both somewhat settled in our careers, I’d love to give it another try. But both our lives were cluttered with things that had a lot to do with our relationship with each other, and so we had to clean house! We had to get rid of the thing in our lives that was holding us down, and unfortunately, being in a long-distance relationship, that thing was each other.
Finances—Ugh!
I come from a divorced family where money wasn’t always plentiful growing up—my mother, sister and I lived in a safe home in a good school district, but we didn’t have money to throw away. We learned to make things work, and I owe it to those early experiences for why I am a responsible shopper and spender! However, being a full-time student in college makes it difficult to work and save. Sometimes I live paycheck-to-paycheck, and sometimes I can afford to save and/or spend a little extra. I am responsible for spending what I have and saving what I can when I can. This adds a significant amount of stress to my life. If I can’t have something that I want, I get upset inside. Why can’t I have that but other people can? …I hate that question. Why do I have to save my own money but other people can just take, take, take from their parents? …I hate that question, too. I want a new pair of boots even though my boots from last season are in good condition; I want a new coat, even though I have plenty of those. I want things that I can’t have because I have to be responsible, because: What if something happened and I needed cash? …Another question I hate, but it’s one that I have to keep in the back of my mind.
Just yesterday I checked my account balance and my bank at home, and the number staring back at me was significantly different—lower!—than what I thought it would be. Shit, I thought. I casually slipped it into a conversation I was having later in with my mom about how money was low and I needed some extra cash. I offered to do some work around the house, such as painting the room she is re-doing and raking leaves, in exchange for a little bit of cash. Her response was that she would let me know if she could afford it, but “speaking of finances, in the meantime, look in the mail—you have something from ____________________” (a previous employer). I knew it wasn’t a paycheck because it’s been a while since I worked there, but my name and address were hand-written on the envelope and I thought maybe my boss had sent me a personal letter. It made me excited to open it up, because I might be looking there for a job after graduation! To my surprise, the letter was from the HR/Payroll department. It was a Notice of Overpayment! And they WANT THE MONEY BACK!
The tears came. The chunks rose in my throat. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Not only do I believe I fairly earned that money, but I almost certainly have spent all of it! I’d just checked my account at the bank and knew not how to handle this situation. My heart was racing. I was so furious that I did not know how to react or what next step to take. I told my mom what the letter said, and I told my dad after I got back to Princeton later that evening. Both of them offered their help and guidance, but I know this is an issue that I have to take responsibility for. I have to gather my bank statements and pay stubs and calendar from the time period when I worked there—this falls mostly on my shoulders, not my parents’.
I called the Human Resources/Payroll department and I am in the process of working this thing out. When I called, I prepared with everything I was going to say. I had cried and was going to shed no more tears. I was not going to show my vulnerability or fear in the voicemail I left. I channeled my energy into effective communication by using a kind strength in my voice. “I would like to talk to someone in your department regarding Case #XXXXXXX. I believe this was a mistake, but I am going to need the paperwork, copies of all paychecks I received, and my start- and finish- dates from your records. I will compare those records with my records and then we can work to resolve this matter. Thank you very much.” I was able to control my anger and was genuinely open to the idea that maybe they are correct and that they did, in fact, pay me more, although I think they have made a mistake. Regardless of the outcome of this case, I dealt with my emotions without being overcome by them in a way that I can hopefully continue when we pursue this matter over the next few weeks. The most difficult part about this scenario is that I may want a job at this company again in the future. So, I had to communicate in a way that was counter to how I felt. I had to behave myself!
Lessons learned: the stress just never ends with finances. Maybe it never will! My previous employer is going to have to give me some time to pay it back gradually, especially because the fault lies with them. “Cleaning house” in this situation is going to be a literal gathering of paperwork and bringing them to the previous employer and/or to my lawyer’s office. But this also requires some mental house-cleaning: I can not have all this clutter in my head about finances. I have been learning to keep my records straight with paychecks, bank statements and receipts, and this situation reinforces that I’ve been doing the right thing by keeping those records! It also teaches me that I need to keep my emotional clutter limited. Soon after this letter came, I sat down and started making a list of all the things I had to do: school work, get my finances straightened out, and crack down on a few other things that are “cluttering” my life at this point. I have to make some calls but keep my cool when I talk to the people about this situation, even though I really want to kick and scream and yell. Keeping track of money and dealing with the situations in a mature, effective way are things I’ll have to deal with, probably for the rest of my life. Finances may not always be a problem, but it may never be fun or easy to deal with.
● Possible final overpayment charge to previous employer: $683.00
● Potential lawyer’s fee: $200
● Knowing that I communicated with HR/Payroll effectively and didn’t emotionally fly off the handle: Priceless
All the things above are/were stressors in my life. Notice how in each example I said something like “I think about it” or “I internalize it” or “I get stressed out about it”. I don’t communicate it or properly ‘deal’ with it in the way that would be possibly more effective in relieving stress from my life. The house cleaning is a good way of ridding me of these stressors.
● The attached link is a site I came across when researching this topic. We talked about these components for effective communication in class, and I thought it was interesting to see it on a resource outside of class. Ironically, most of what came up when I typed in “effective communication” came from HUMAN RESOURCE sites! Ahhh! http://www.drbalternatives.com/articles/cc2.html
● The picture is self-explanatory. We’ve all felt like this before!
1 comment:
Jackie-
So I just noticed your comment to my last post. Since you asked, I'll tell you. When I got that voice mail, I was scared, and it was weird. I was taught to never be scared, no matter what, and that legitimately scared me for some reason. I don't know if it was because I always wanted to meet her in person first, or what. I really don't think i'm as ready as I thought I always was. Which is odd, because i'm always ready for anything. I just wasn't ready to deal with such an issue while my life is so full of clutter as it is.
Which brings me to my next point. I can completely relate to you regarding your last 'cleaning house' post. First off, i spent my whole freshman year driving to upstate (ithaca) new york driving back and forth to see my girlfriend. I understand how tiring it can be. My (adoptive) parents are divorced as well and my father makes very little money as a self employed painter.this leaves me to have to live completely independently, while pretending that I don't- and being a 'college kid' at the same time. It's a really difficult situation in which to be, and I really respect people like you and I.
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